So I have been MIA for a few years. I would like to start blogging again. I guess the best way is to try to fill in the missing parts of the past few years.
So I was working in September 2016 and I hurt my back preventing a patient from falling to the floor from the toilet. Yes, we have been told that we should "assist" them gently to the floor so we don't hurt ourselves. My brain is wired that I am supposed to protect my patient at all costs. So I managed to hold on to the patient, turn and get a hold of her wheelchair and pull it close to the toilet, and maneuver her from the toilet to the wheelchair with no injury to her. However, my lower back was not impressed with my heroic movement. I was sent to the emergency room and an MRI found that I had bulging discs and degenerative changes in my lower spine. As this was not the first time I had injured my back in the 20+ years of nursing, it was the first time that workmen's compensation said that they would not be able to help me. So I tried physical therapy, steroid injections and even had radio-ablation of the nerves that was causing all the pain. Really nothing was helping. I was unable to stand on my feet for a 12 hour shift. I tried an 8 hour shift and found that I could not move for two days after. Then we tried 4 hour shifts. Some days are more rigorous than others and some days I would come home and literally be in bed for the next two days as I was unable to move about freely. I filed for disability and then for the next two years I was without insurance as I was unable to work enough hours to keep my insurance active. I also could not work/make too much money because then I was obviously well enough to work. It was a catch 22 situation. Don't work too much, but if you do you do not qualify for disability.
Well finally after 2 years of suffering, they agreed with my physician's that I was disabled and had been for 2 years. In February 2020 I "retired" from work. I have been playing catch up with all the physicians that I have been unable to see for the past two years as I did not have health insurance. I am still catching up.
In the meantime, my husband of 21 years was on a heart transplant list. He received a Left Ventricular Assistive Device in February 2018. His LVAD was to be a bridge over to heart transplant and he was very close to getting one. Then his health started declining. He fell several times and his pacemaker/defibrillator shocked him one night and that was the beginning of the end. He went to the hospital to wait for his heart, but instead his lungs failed. He was put on life support with the goal to give his lungs a break so they could heal, but then his kidneys failed. The cardiologist kept thinking that he would turn the corner soon and would be able to get his heart transplant that he had dreamed of for years, but in the end...we turned the life support off. He passed away very quietly at that time with his 5 daughters and myself at his bedside. We have had to tell ourselves many times that he lived at least 15 years longer than he ever thought was possible. But things just did not line up as we were hoping they would.
So the girls and I have been plodding along. Many days it was one foot in front of the other. School has been great at keeping them all busy. And I have tried my best to keep life as normal as possible. They still miss their Dad, but it gets easier as each year passes.
We started spending more time with their big brother, Nicholas, and his wife, Shelby, and their kids. Jillian is 3 years old and Eddie is 11 months. Shelby was pregnant and because of Covid-19 we were babysitting frequently as she was the only one who could go to her prenatal visits. The girls started to love being Aunts! So much fun as Eddie was learning to walk and in no time was almost running! Then in April along comes Neil! Another nephew to love on. Nick and Shelby had moved and were very, very busy raising their family along with trying to fix up and make their "new to them" house livable. Sure, they were under stress. 3 kiddos under the age of 3 years old, one being a new baby. It it very stressful to be young parents especially in these Covid times.
Then on August 17, the unthinkable happened. For reasons we can only guess, Nick took his own life. His wife and I found him that day. It was a sight that I will never be able to unseen. The only saving grace for me was the look of peace on his face. I hope he has found peace, but his decision has caused nothing but heartache for those he left behind. Not only his wife and children, but his 5 little sisters and I miss him so much. We wish that we had seen any signs of what was coming. But he acted like his self and there was no clue that this would happen. He was my stepson for 22 years and I honestly never thought he would go to this extreme. We are living with the what if's and constantly asking ourselves if there was any sign we missed. In the meantime, his wife and children have moved about 4 hours away, closer to Nick's mother. The aunties are brokenhearted that we can not spend as much time with the kids but we are hoping that we will be able to go soon to spend a day with them and we will try to see them as frequently as we can. Their well being is utmost in our hearts.
This is Nick with Zora when she was 3 years old. He was a wonderful big brother and an amazing father and parent to his three children. I wish that I had told him that. I will try to do a better job of giving credit where credit is due to people in my life for now on. Wish it hadn't taken something like this to show me that I need to speak up.
So we are missing the two men of our family. Hope they have gotten together and are having a good time. I will try to start being here a little more often.
