Does this make my butt look big?

Tuesday I was at the American Cancer Society to pick a wig.   Jordis and Kendalan were my critics.   First wig was a dark brown with some auburn highlights number.   It was kind of poofy.   Just a little more hair than I have ever had in my entire life.    So then I picked a little bit longer one with the same colors.   Still didn't look right.   The lady helping us said "Let's try this one."   And the rest is history.   It comes down to my neckline and is parted on the left side.   Very blond with a few dark blond highlights.   We all decided it looked like me more than the others had.     I also am the proud owner of a brown turban.   Which has been very comfortable to wear around the house.   You don't know how cold your head gets without hair.  

I wasn't completely bald, but there was no use waiting for it all to fall out 20 to 30 strands at a time.   So then we drove to J. C. Penney's salon at the Mall and I had them shave the rest off.   I do not have a very pretty bald head.   And the worst thing to boot is....what 1/4 inch hair that I do still have on my head is white, gray, or dark brown.   Not the natural blond that I have been using from the box for the last 10 years!!   What's up with that?   You would think as much as I have used over the years that my scalp would be that color too.  Nope.  It is not.   So tonight I ask the girls to take a few photos of their Mama in her baldness.    What you can't really see.   My eyelashes are falling out and my eyebrows which have been pretty much invisible for years are gone too.   Chemo therapy has a new name in my books.   Chemical  warfair.   It is terrorizing my body and has obviously gone to my head.   What does it do to my brain cells?    This is why I did not want to try and work with my brain on chemicals.  It is not a pretty sight.   So tonight I post the photos without hair.

Hair today....

Unfortunately it has started.   My hair is falling out by the handfuls.   I was really praying that it wouldn't happen like this.   Years ago I used to wear bandana's on my head.   I have forgotten how to tie them up like that.   I think I better start relearning!

I took a shower today and this is what came out after.   Nice thing is it doesn't hurt when it comes out.   It is not connected it is just kind of hanging there.   I guess tomorrow I will be headed to the "wig" ladies.   The American Cancer Society gives wigs and headgear to people who are going through chemo.   Kendalan is a sweetheart!   She said she loves me with or without hair!!

Older children come with baggage

One never knows when or why something happens. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but that answer is very vague and sometimes unattainable for years. He has such a Hand in things. The things that we think are moving on and bringing joy and peace to a family may actually be a turning point. We move along going through the motions, counting the actions as a part of what the outcome will be. Then boom it might make a bold statement or a subtle change that then makes other things seem more clear. He sometimes works in mysterious ways. Older children have had so many changes in their lives. It is hoped that He has maneuvered things making life easier for them. However sometimes they have to help work out the kinks that have squeezed their way into their complicated life. One child may bloom bright and continue to grow while another child needs a redirection or new family to plant the seeds and add fertilizer, water and weed control. Some square pegs do not fit in a round hole no matter what a family does. Do not be afraid to move the pegs to allow the growth to start and flourish.

Zora turns Eleven!!

It has been a very busy week here.   I had my first dose of chemo this week.  This was the last week of school.   And ZoraLin is 11 years old today!

Field Day at school was Tuesday.   It was the hottest day of the year so far, of course!   Dad and I walked around the track and found all the girls having a great time with their classmates.  

Wednesday we decided to take Zora out for our traditional dinner of choice.   She chose Olive Garden!  Yummy choice always!   Dad and I already had decided to surprise her with her birthday gift a day early so she could give all her friends her new phone number the last day of school which was Thursday!   So after we had ordered, Dad gave me the sign to call Zora's new phone.   It was priceless when he hands the phone to her and says "It's for you."   You could see that she still didn't understand what was going on.   Then all of a sudden it soaked in and Bingo!!   She was a happy camper!

Thursday was the last day of school.   The girls were excited to come home and put away their bookbags and things left over from the school year.   They were off the bus at 1:30pm and the fun began.   Okay, the fun of Mom saying lets get this stuff put away!   I was feeling kind of tired and had to push myself and the girls to get the basement cleaned up so Zora could have a sleep over for her Birthday tonight.

Wednesday we also surprised Tessa with cupcakes at school for her summer birthday.   She had asked me if we were going to bring anything and I said "I'm not sure."   She told me I lied to her and I said that I fibbed a little because we wanted to surprise her!

We surprised Zora with an ice cream cake tonight.  Her friends Alyssa and Jaelyn are here for a sleep over, I don't hear any signs of sleep at this time!

First dose of chemo...I felt pretty good the first two days, then the tiredness/lethargy kicked in.   I had a shot Tuesday to build my white blood cells back up and that caused me a lot of pain in my lower back.   I also had a lot of swelling in my ankles which I will speak with the doctor about Monday.  

What a week!!  

My post to FB tonight.

This is a plea for anyone who is approved for two children and haven't chosen their second. We have had to stop our adoption of the beautiful 10 year old who probably saved my life. How did she save my life? I had to have a brief physical for our home study update. The ARNP told me it had been a while since I had my mammogram and the office set up an appt. for me. Very soon after I received a call that there was a density on the mammo that they wanted to do an ultrasound on. That density was Triple Negative Breast Cancer. A biopsy was done to confirm and on April 19th I had a lumpectomy. This kind of cancer is very aggressive and it had grown from the time it was biopsied to when it was surgically removed. Thankfully my lymph nodes were benign! I started chemo this morning. 

We adopted a 6 year old in November 2012. According to her referral and the updated reports and video we asked for she was on target developmentally for her age. I arrived in China to find that China had lied! She is a toddler in a 6 year old body. She has many more issues than we were told...many. We do not have the resources to take care of her. We have adopted five girls from China and we were prepared for delays, but not to the extreme she is. I traveled alone and called my husband right away. He contacted our agency and I was on Skype with our adoption coordinator for over an hour. Bottom line, I knew I couldn't leave her in China. We agreed to bring her home and have her evaluated. The doctors have told us many things. Possible Institutional Autism, Autism, and probably mental retardation. We are devastated. We tried our best until February when we contacted our agency again. They suggested respite care. Friends of ours called out of the blue to tell us that they have been praying about our family and our daughter and they can't get her out of their minds. They want to help. He does listen!!! The mom came and stayed with us for a long weekend and our daughter returned to the Portland area with her. They have two daughters from China, they are much younger than us and she is a stay at home mom!! PTL! We didn't realize how much stress our whole family was under until she was gone. Three of our daughter's grades had slipped from A's and B's to C's D's and one F! We missed her, but she was getting much more help that she needs.

Long story...I am sorry. We told our agency about my cancer and our daughter in respite and China told them a resounding NO they can not adopt from China again. There is a good chance if I had decided to leave her in China that we could have come home and applied for another child. I could not have lived with myself thinking about her not getting the help she needs. We are hopeful that she may eventually catch up. Our friends are going to adopt her.

I don't need grief about our decision. Our whole family has been devastated. I am advocating for the 10 year old who we will be releasing. She tested positive for syphilis as an infant and was treated with IV and intramuscular penicillin per protocol. According to her report she still tests a "weak" positive for syphilis. The infectious disease specialist we showed her char to says that is common and since she is showing no signs or symptoms of the disease she is okay. He thinks that their lab work could be wrong, because there is another little girl with the same diagnosis. Anyway he says that she will live a long healthy life and it shouldn't be a concern. If you are interested in this beautiful girl please contact me off FB at
christiev1 @yahoo.com Our agency is willing to release her file to someone's agency who wants to adopt her.

If you have read this far, thanks for listening. We are very blessed to have five beautiful daughters from China. We are super blessed to know who and where our sixth daughter is with. Our family has gone to the brink of H#ll and back and we are slowly healing. We have a daughter who we adopted from a disruption and she is a joy. We are true believers that He had a hand in this.

I will be cross posting this. Xin Hong Tuan DOB 1/15/2003 deserves a family!! Just wish it was ours! We will be adopting again possibly from a disruption. After six trips to China I have seen so much and learned so much about adoptions from there. Go expecting the worse and hope to be pleasantly surprised. I wish we had the resources to keep our child, but neither one of us have family or friends in our area who wanted to help us with her.

It is amazing the supportive messages I have received.   Of course, with FB it is hard impossible to leave an anonymous message there!!

China says "NO"

Well, it wasn't what we wanted to hear.   I almost knew it was coming.   China says that because we have Linzi in respite care that we will never be allowed to adopt from China again.   It makes me so angry.   At the same time they are allowing families to bring home three and four children at a time!   So why can't we bring home one more?   Just because we didn't leave Linzi in China?   No instead we brought her to the USA to find the help she so desperately needed!    I can only imagine what would have happened to her if I
had left her there.   The orphanages usually put the kids out of the orphanage when they turn 18, 21 or sometimes even 16.   If they are lucky they will teach them a trade while they are in the orphanage so they
may be able to find a job on the outside.   Most are given the clothes on their back, a little money and a "Good Luck." as they head out the door.   Their names are associated with being an orphan so many times they can't or will not get a job because of the stigma of being an orphan.   How sad!

We adopted Kendalan from a disruption/dissolution of her adoption.   So who knows?  Maybe someone will bring home a child from China that is not fitting into their family.   (It happens all the time!)   And if we are lucky that child will join our family!

The girls had Awards ceremony this week.   They are all now proud owners of their green decided belts!!  They are all getting anxious for school to be out.   And that day is rapidly approaching.   May 16th is their
 last day of school.  That is also our anniversary and Mark's friend Michael's birthday.   The next day is ZoraLin's 11th birthday.

 

I start chemo Monday the 13th.   I am ready to get this show on the road.   The first medications that I will be getting are Adriamycin and Cytoxan.   I will be getting both of these drugs together on the same day and I will be getting them every 3 weeks for four cycles.   I have heard that the Adriamycin is called the "Red Devil" because of it's color.   I have also heard it called other things which I will not repeat here.   Then after that cycle is over, I will then get Taxol every week for 12 weeks.   Then they will give me a couple of weeks off to regain strength, if needed, and we will start radiation for 12 weeks.  Isn't that a mouthful?   I will be getting premeds before the chemo each time.   Something for nausea and a steroid which is supposed to help cut down on the side effects of the chemo.    "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"  Thanks Kelly Clarkson!!

Mother Nature was in the same mood I was tonight.   It hailed for a while this evening.   Enough to make it look like we had snow on our back porch.   Makes the dog kind of nervous, what with all the lightening and thunder.

Fun times, sad times, moving on times.

I guess I will start with the fun times.   Tessa has been having problems with her expanders for her teeth lately.   The fun part of this is watching her try to talk with both the top and bottom ones in her mouth.   It is not so easy to keep the top one in we are finding.    Twice now it has came loose and we have had to run into the orthodontist to have it glued back in.   Again this week it happened.   It really has made a difference in her teeth.   It is amazing us how it is moving her teeth around and right now it looks like she will have plenty of room in her mouth for all her teeth to fit comfortably.

Sad times.   Since Ms. Linzi is no longer at our house, this has to come up in our home study update.   Our placing agency is willing to go above and beyond for us in the situation of my cancer treatment, BUT not having a child in our home that China placed with us is something else.   Don't even get me started.   China flat out lied to us about Linzi and where she is mentally and/or academically.   She isn't even on the scales academically!   However, our agency who we used to bring her home said that we should have been prepared for the worst since her diagnosis was brain abnormality.   Well that is not her diagnosis!   And if it was the diagnosis then they should have been a little less over the top telling us she was on target developmentally.  Ugh!!

Moving on times.   Even though we have not received the final word...we know it is coming.    They are going to tell us that we are Stick a fork in it....D.O.N.E.   We will never be allowed to adopt from China again.   Even though it was them who lied to us, it will be us who will not be allowed to adopt again.   Even though we brought Linzi home and found her a better than good home.   We will not be allowed to adopt from China again.  Even though most families want infants or toddlers as young as possible with minor special needs we are done.    Even though in 3 and 1/2 years this little girl we want to bring home will age out of the system and no longer be eligible for adoption we are done.   So on her 14th birthday they will tell her Surprise!!  You will now have to stay in China the rest of your life and find a job or live on the street and find something to do to put food in your tummy.

Somehow it just doesn't seem right.