We were so excited. We were going to finally, after many starts, turns and twists, add another girl to our family. What we went through to get to this point was a roller coaster ride.
We had a girl come live with us from May 23rd, 2015 to August 7th, 2015. We knew that she was having "issues" living with her family. We were prepared to have a tween who may not be happy that she was with us. She came off the plane with a big smile on her face and even though there were some bumps along the way...she fit in. She fell into the middle of the girls and got along like she had been here for much longer than she was. It was so very hard putting her back on the plane for her to go home. She cried, we cried. She kept in contact with us, unbeknown to her family, for at least a month. She was begging us to call her parents and tell them that she wanted to come back and live with us. We kept telling her that "She" was the one who would have to do that. If "she" really wanted to come live with us, "She" was the one who needed to tell her parents that. She was having contact with us and it was hard...we wanted to have contact with her, but we knew that she was going behind her parents backs to continue to reach out to us. We felt like we were between a rock and a hard spot. We wanted to keep communication open with her and keep her trust by not telling her family that she was contacting us, but we felt bad that we were not being open with her family. That is why we kept telling her that "She" was the one who had to talk to her parents and tell them what she wanted to do. We wanted to pick up the phone and call her parents and tell them what was going on, but at the same time we did not want to break her trust in us that we would not tell. Her parents found out and the contact stopped.
We continued on with our lives. Then in December 2015, her family once again reached out to us. Would we "want" her? YES! We rushed to get our home study completed for a domestic adoption. There has been many changes since we had completed a home study. Many more hurdles to jump and hoops to climb through. What we was hoping would take a few weeks ended up taking over two months to complete. Two days before we had the finalized home study...the family said that they decided she was staying with them "No matter what." We were crushed. We thought "Okay, we are done."
Then a week or so later I was looking at
Second Chances Adoptions on Facebo#k and saw a girl who was looking for a new family. I contacted them and sent them a copy of our redacted home study. The agency was SO excited! They felt we were a "perfect" fit for this child! We had to hurry and send them a retainer fee and then call our agency to update our home study to a girl between the ages of 9 to 14 years old. We then got a call from Second Chances. Seems that the placing family had forgotten to mention that this girl was upset at her adoptive father and the family did not feel a stay at home Dad would be a very good fit for her. Wham! Bam! Just like that we were on the top of the roller coaster and then the ride was over! The agency's director called and visited with Dad one evening and told us that they would contact us if they had any girls in the age range we were open to. Said that they thought we were the perfect family for a child. So we waited. A few weeks later, I emailed the agency and asked if there were any girls who might be a good fit for our family. All of a sudden the agency was telling us that "We would have to keep an eye on their website for any children who we might be interested in." A completely different version of what the agency director told Dad on the phone a few weeks ago. They all of a sudden now say that they don't have time to contact families privately about a child...as Dad was told. Hmmm....they have our money, now let's just change the story.
So once again we think that "We are done." Life goes on, school is out for summer and swim team is on! Then our phone rings one day and an agency we had used to adopt before...had a child that was being dissolved. Would we be interested?
****Side note here........To the nasty anonymous people who leave comments on my blog....YES! There are other families in this world who have had to make the most gut wrenching decision of their lives....TO Dissolve an adoption for the benefit of the CHILD and the FAMILY! I am a firm believer that not all children find their forever family the first....or sometimes even the second time! And to all who say "Well if this was a child born to you!" Let me just say...IF this child had been born to us....THIS CHILD would not have all the trauma in their life that they have LIVED! This child would have received the care they needed from the git go and not just a bandaid applied by an Orphanage! They would have had their cries met and their needs attended to. They would not just be left lying in a crib in an over crowded orphanage! IF this child has been born to us....their lives would have been very different!******
Okay off my soap box for now...I just get very upset that anonymous commenters seem to think they know it all. This is OUR blog...if you don't like what you read here....GO away!! I am trying to keep an honest, open blog about OUR family's life. If you do not agree with what we have done...that is your prerogative. But this is OUR lives.
So yes, we were interested. This girl was adopted from China 5 years ago and her needs were much greater than were disclosed or known by China. (Seems to be an ongoing issue...but that is another post...someday maybe.) BTW, this was not an illegal "rehoming" situation. Each family had an attorney in each state. Our attorney's were responsible for contacting the
ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children.) judge who insisted that she go to counseling before and after the placement and after meeting her, also wanted us to have at least two mandatory face-to-face meetings with her. We had both of those meetings take place in less than a week and one half window. It was a whirlwind!
This was my post to a FB group about children who are being dissolved who are from China very soon after I had notified a "friend" about what we were going through at our house. Someone was already advocating to find her a new home:
I am sure that my post will be deleted. This child was in our home. She was adopted at age 4 from China by a Chinese couple. She lived with them for 5 years. A LOT of information about this child was conveniently not disclosed to us. We had 2 face-to-face meetings with her that were each less than 5 hours. You can NOT know enough in less than 10 hours how a child will be in your house on a 24/7 basis. While she has been in our home (since July 13th) she was seeing a counselor weekly, a psychiatrist, a pediatric endocrinologist, a pediatric cardiologist, had her eyes checked and got a pair of glasses and was seen by our pediatrician's APRN. Our adoption was supposed to be finalized the end of this month. We. Could. Not. Do. It! It was not because of her medical needs...which are many but basically a breeze..it is because of her emotional needs. I am sure you are all thinking we are just terrible because we contacted our attorney to stop the adoption process. But until you have walked in our shoes, don't beg for what you think you want. Our understanding is that her first family plans on getting her the help she so desperately needs. But they lied to us from the start. The child is completely happy that she is back home with them and she thanked us for all the fun she has had at our house. I will not answer any PM's about this. IF they are seriously going to dissolve their adoption of her AGAIN and someone is interested go in with EYES WIDE OPEN. My other children, my husband and I will be having some much needed counseling after this. She is beautiful, she is cute, she is bubbly...she needs a lot of help that we could not give. We are crushed and heartbroken
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Yes, my post was deleted. Yes, we are crushed and heartbroken. Yes, we are struggling. Then the day before she left our home, CPS was on our doorstep. Seems someone had filed a complaint that we were verbally abusing her!?! WTH?!! Well, you could have knocked us over with a feather! If anyone was being abused in our home...it was our other children because she kept telling them how much she hated them and how much she wanted to go back to her "old home." She would not listen to anyone or follow the rules AT ALL. What we were not told was she has RAD. "Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is one of the few disorders listed in the DSM-IV that can be applied to infants. It is a disorder caused by a lack of attachment to any specific caregiver at an early age, and results in an inability for the child to form normal, loving relationships with others. " BTW the "complaint" as far as the social worker was concerned was "Unfounded!" She read us the redacted complaint and the last sentence was...."And they take a vacation every year." ???????? You have got to be kidding me?!! And no we don't take a vacation EVERY year...and so what if we DO?!!!
A child with RAD needs a loving family. A child with RAD needs lots and lots of counseling and treatment. A child with RAD deserves a family who can completely commit to helping them overcome RAD....IF it is possible to overcome. I know other families who have children with RAD and I know that they struggle EVERY DAY! I have been told that Nancy Thomas has a program/book that helps. "Emily" fits many of the symptoms of RAD. We have five other children in our home. A child with RAD deserves ALL the focus to help them overcome. Or a family who has dealt with RAD successfully before. We could not do it PERIOD!
This is a photo of the girls the night before "Emily" met with her mother in KC. She was excited she was going back home. She thanked me over and over for packing all her things for her and all the fun she had at our house. Yes, we did have some fun times. However her behaviors were so out of our reach to help her. We miss her. We will pray for her and hope that she gets the help she so greatly needs. I have been contacted by many families who are dealing/living with children from hard places. It is not easy. Many families struggle in silence because they are afraid of the repercussions of telling anyone what they are dealing with quietly at home. These families need support! They need respite care at times they are gulping for air. They need people to understand that THEY did not cause this child to have RAD. Until you have walked in our shoes and lived with a child who has RAD....you can NOT understand what it is like. Bad behavior does not begin to tell you what living with RAD is like. There is no consequence strong enough to make a RAD child understand that rules must be followed. We were/are not equipped to deal with RAD. She needs a family who can get her ALL the help she needs. We are heartbroken that we can not.
Now....I AM DONE! Do I still want to adopt? YES! But contrary to further beliefs...we are NOT wealthy! We live from paycheck to paycheck....living the American dream. There are so many children's profiles on lists that pull at my heartstrings. I want them all to have the right, loving family to live with. But our family is still dealing with the stress one little girl brought into our home. Like I said, until you have lived with such a child on a 24/7 basis, you can NOT understand! The stress has carried over to my husband, my children and my job. Some of my children want to "Move somewhere no one knows us." So we can make a fresh start. My body has had so much stress...I stepped out around a patient at work to get to a wheelchair to put the patient in so she would not fall and I felt my back "Pop." I was sent to the ER where an MRI shows that I have bulging disks and degenerative changes...so now workman's comp is telling me that it is a "Pre-existing" condition and I can not be treated as a workman's comp case. I had an epidural in my L4-L5 spine yesterday that hopefully will make my back pain better. I am waiting for a phone call back from my doctor's office as to if I should return to work full time or if I should do some physical therapy or what?! My back, my heart and our lives have been broken because we wanted to add to our family.
