Just to update where things are:
We had Linzi to the pediatric infectious disease doctor yesterday. We
took Tessa to this physician after she first came home too. Dr. Harris
will run her vaccination titers to see if she actually did receive the
immunizations in China as we were told. While we were in the office
Dr. Harris also had Dr. Crouch a pediatrician see Linzi. Linzi does not
like doctors very well. She started screaming and crying when they first
called her name and tried to weigh her. She continued to cry, kick and
wave them off. When Dr. Crouch was visiting with me we both tried to
turn our backs to her so she would think we weren't talking about her and
to try to get her to be quiet. Dr. Harris finally found Dr. Zhao who is
a neurologist and had him come in. Dr. Zhao is from Taiwan and speaks
Chinese. Linzi did kind of talk to him. Since Dr. Zhao had not been in
the room he did not know what was going on. Once Linzi responded to his
Chinese questions he looked at all of us and said "There is something wrong
with her." He says that her responses were not really correct and that
her Chinese is not very good, her speech is kind of slurred. We explained
to him that she had just been adopted from China and that she was in an
orphanage with many Down Syndrome and severely delayed/handicapped
kids. He again tried to talk to her. He asked her something and she told
him no. He said that he had to kind of guess what she was saying to him.
That her responses were just words that didn't totally make sense.He then again said "Something is wrong" and he mentioned
autism or autistic? The other two doctors said they don't think she is
autistic and that they see hope that she may become able to be a productive individual.They did see the "self stimulating" behavior I have seen from the get-go.
She is in constant motion...if she is standing she will rock from foot to
foot, if she is sitting down she will rock back and forth. She also will roll
her hands together and in a circle while repeating the same thing over and
over and over and over...to the extent that it drives me crazy, especially
as I have no idea what she is saying!
She is adorable. She is Loud. Has she bonded? I don't know. She calls
me "Ma" and will hug some of us and pat us on the back. She will also
go to strangers and hug them. She loves to "talk" to anyone and everyone.
Well. except for the doctors at first. After she realized that they were not
going to do anything to her she was fine with them. When I drop her off
at school she happily waves to me and says "Bye bye." She did not get
upset when we left the orphanage staff either, just happily waved.
We did start her in Kindergarten for 1/2 days. The teacher says that she
follows around the other kids and kind of does what they do. The teacher
is pleased how she is doing at this point. We plan on
moving her to full days after the first of the year. We are fully planning
on her repeating Kindergarten again next year if she needs too.
She is constantly on the move. She can sit still in the car and occasionally
on the couch, but she does not have the attention span to watch TV, play
video games or DSi games. The girls are all very disappointed that she can not
play with them and they feel like we are just babysitting her. I have heard
them call her "stupid and crazy" and ask "What are we going to do with her?"
We have reminded them that Tessa and Jordis didn't speak English when they
first came home either. It is frustrating for all of us.
She is really rough on everything. I am sure that this is from being in the
orphanage and not learning the proper behavior. She does know when she is
doing something she shouldn't. I have gone to the bedroom and as I come back
into the living room she is shutting the laptop...she knows she is not supposed
to be on it. She went from being scared of the cats and dogs to chasing them
around and being rough with them. We keep working on "Gentle" I was told that
Ching Ching Da means Gentle?
She is very happy most of the time. She will eat anything that we put in front
of her. We do have to be careful that she does not overeat. The orphanage
warned us of that. She is definitely spoiled and gets mad if she doesn't get
her way. She is a total clutz. She can fall over her shadow at times. So
her legs are covered in bruises.
It has been tough, tough, tough. I feel like I brought this on the family as
I was the first one who wanted to adopt again. I also feel like I jinxed the
adoption because I had Linzi tattooed on my arm before we got her....I know
crazy but that is what I think sometimes. Zora has told me that the adoption
was stupid and lame. Honestly we have talked about disrupting her but again
then we feel like we have failed. But, this is not what we were expecting.
We feel that it is possible that we are not meant to be her family, that it was
just our job to get her here so we could help her find the family she was destined
to be in.. A "pay it forward" from our getting Kendalan through a disruption.
It is rough. I feel like we are plodding along, pretending that everything will
be okay and knowing that it will never be the same.
To the mean, negative posters who think they are authorities who have left comments about this...if you REALLY knew what you were talking about you would post with your REAL names! We have NOT said we are going to disrupt..just that we have thought about it. I would have left her in China if we were going to disrupt. This isn't our first adoption. DUH!
This is why people do not post the truth to their blogs because nasty people are very
quick to judge those they do not know. If you want to give helpful suggestions great!
If you want to cuss at someone go find someone else!!
To the mean, negative posters who think they are authorities who have left comments about this...if you REALLY knew what you were talking about you would post with your REAL names! We have NOT said we are going to disrupt..just that we have thought about it. I would have left her in China if we were going to disrupt. This isn't our first adoption. DUH!
This is why people do not post the truth to their blogs because nasty people are very
quick to judge those they do not know. If you want to give helpful suggestions great!
If you want to cuss at someone go find someone else!!
30 comments:
Oh Christie my heart is aching for you. I wish I had some wisdom or advice for you but in leiu of that I will be in prayer for you and your family. I also read this this morning and hope it will speak to you. Hugs!
http://bringinghomeholland.blogspot.com/2012/12/cav-1-year.html
I'm not sure how I found your blog, but I want you to know I'm praying for you and your family. Have you tried a weighted blanket? This has worked for our daughter to calm her down. I'm praying that you will all fall in love with her, even if you have to "fake it" right now!
Your description of your daughter's behavior is exactly how I used to (and sometimes still do) describe my son's behavior. He was diagnosed with autism at 5. If I wouldn't have been in total denial, he would have been diagnosed years earlier. I have learned that early intervention is the key. Our schedule is essentially dominated by ABA, speech, OT, and physical therapies. The progress our son has made in 3 years has been incredible. Autism is terribly hard on parents and children; but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The adults with autism that I have had the pleasure of meeting are some of the smartest, most loyal, innovative, and honest people I have ever met. It's a hard road, but it's a great journey with an awesome child.
Please, please, don't give up on her. I know it is hard and maybe you haven't bonded as much as you would have liked but I hate to think what it would be like if you decided she was not meant to be in your family. You adopted her, she was on her own and then you put her out for adoption again? If she does have issues, imagine how much more that would cause? I know you aren't saying you are going to do that but I just wanted to say it. Also, she may just be severely stunted due to being in a Chinese orphanage, especially since you said it was one with disabled children. While I would definitely check into the autism, I would not be overly concerned as she is an older child who has only known one thing, in an orphanage with too many kids to caregivers to now being in a home. Good luck and please don't give up on her!
I'm so sorry Christie. I was hoping that once you got her home, things would begin to get easier. I will pray that God will give you all wisdom and patience and peace in the midst of difficult circumstance.
Lyn
Christie,
Five years ago we brought home a five year old girl from the Philippines. We had only been told that she had mild cerebral palsy. By the time we returned to the hotel with her that first day, I knew something was terribly wrong. When she colored, she scribbled one or two lines across the page and was done. She tore pages from books. She didn't know how to take care of toys. She couldn't make decisions for herself and only parroted what you said. Most of what she said was unintelligible. She ate everything in front of her. She didn't know how to play with toys.
She had these vomiting episodes, after which she became as limp as a rag doll. What we didn't know at the time was that she was having seizures.
She didn't bond with us for a long time. She would never come to us for comfort when she was hurt. She never cried. When she did begin to show some attachment, it was only to me. She wanted nothing to do with my husband.
Our other daughter, 2 years older than this one, was so excited to have a sister close to her age to play with. It crushed her when she couldn't.
We talked about disruption. Our lives were turned upside down by Jonalyn. She drained every ounce of energy I had. I cried all the time and my marriage suffered.
But we hung in there. We received the crushing news that Jonalyn has microcephaly and is moderately to severely retarded.
I gave you all of the bad news first. The good news is, Jonalyn has bonded to us beautifully. She loves her siblings, hugs me when she steps off the bus, and is a true Daddy's girl. He is her hero. She is beginning to read. She can do simple chores. She is learning to ask for things. She has shown us what she likes and doesn't like.
She is our joy. God has completely reversed things from how they were five years ago. Now we see how beautiful she is.
That first year or so was incredibly tough. I never want to go through that again. And yet, we are happy. We love her so much. We will never be empty nesters, but we will never be lonely, either.
Some days you hang on by your fingernails, but in the end, for us, the difficult journey was worth it. If you'd like to "chat" further, you can email me at liz tolsma at gmail dot com.
Good Lord, you just brought this child home last month and you're ready to "return" her like she's a faulty dishwasher?
Wow. You are a terrible person.
Seriously? You've had a child from another country for what, a month? She doesn't speak English and seems to have some developmental problems and so it's tough going and so you are considering disrupting the adoption because it's not all sunshine and roses? You should never have adopted at all. Disrupting an adoption is NOT "paying it forward" you are just saying that to make YOURSELF feel better. Getting rid of a child that is too difficult for you to handle because you're selfish and unqualified to care for them is not "paying it forward" it IS failing. You ARE failing. You are failing at being a decent parent to an adopted child. This should not be about you. This should be about the little girl that was just uprooted from everything she has ever known and your own fucking insensitivity to her special needs. I agree with the above commenter. You are a terrible person.
I want to second what Alex said, please do not give up on her. Put yourself in her place, you've known only one language, one culture, you've been in an orphanage with minimal stimulation. You don't get over this in a matter of weeks. Your expectations are not reasonable. It's going to get worse before it ever so slowly starts getting better. She needs unconditional love, not disruption.
To the anonymous posters....first of all we have NOT said that we are going to disrupt. Secondly..if you are such AUTHORITIES on this you would not post anonymously!! I am putting the truth out there as many families are too scared of anonymous posters as yourselves to post the TRUTH. If you REALLY know what is best for us and this child you would be posting HELPFUL things or SUGGESTIONS of what we can do..NOT SLAMMING US!!
Go find someone else to post your negativity to. It's funny how my blog is usually ignored until I post the bad things in our lives and then the idiots come out of the woodwork!! Get a life instead of telling me how to live mine!!
Is there a way to block anonymous posters? If I had a blog I would not want anonymous replies, whether they were for or against.
Beautiful comment Liz. Hang in there Christie. I remember a very long year indeed. It was like a baby step forward and then two steps back. It took so long for Jo's language skills to develop but after they did, things got better. In the meantime, I also got her a security blanket and made sure she had lots of exercise. We still have a mini trampoline. It was very helpful to have for energy release.
I felt the same way, what have I done to our calm and orderd life. You will eventually find a new normal. PS. Her kindergarten teacher sounds like a real sweetheart.
You have said you are considering it and that you feel you may not be her permanent home. Posting this publicly is bound to raise the emotions of people. You can surely see why. I feel for you, but mostly I feel for the little girl who has already gone through so much in her short life.
Please let me know if you choose to disrupt. I would be interested in speaking with you about adoption. ~Heather
It sounds like she has some sensory issues, all the stimming and constant motion. The change from an institutional environment to a busy home would be overwhelming for any kid with sensory issues and sensory issues are so common in PI kids. Has she been reviewed by an OT? Reading the out of sync child might shed some light for you.
Also re the language, are you sure the Taiwanese doctor spoke the language/dialect she has been raised in, if she speaks a different dialect it would explain why she is incomprehensible. If you know the language she was raised in, maybe see if she can be reviewed by a speech therapist who speaks it before she loses it, this could determine whether she appears to have disordered language and perhaps a language or developmental disorder like autism or whether it is just delay institutional or otherwise. The window for doing this is short though, she will lose what language she has so quickly.
I think it's the way you wrote it, that has people so up in arms.
If you re-read your post, you make it sound like she was an item you purchased that isn't working and you can "pay it forward" by giving it (her) to someone else who can better use it (her).
It's an odd way to look at a person, or a child. and though your intent was not this, it is how it came across.
I commend you for leaving up the negative comments though, I think it is fair for you to read these thoughts, even if they aren't the sweetest in their approach.
It has been such a short time, that it seems amazing and astounding that you would make it sound like you should just give up this quickly.
Institutional autism is real. Developmental delays are real. No matter what you have "Seen" you have NO REAL IDEA OR GRASP as to how the neglect and/or abuse or mistreatment these orphans face really truly shapes them, and scars them.
For you to expect a child to just fit into a mold you have for her, so quickly at that, is just dumbfounding. She's a person, and you can't be certain what she has REALLY gone through.
Clearly there are signs there, if she hates doctors so much what type of mistreatment has she faced in her past at their hands? You may never know.
I think it's important for your children to not be allowed to bad mouth their sister. Why is she being expected to just fall in line to what you ideally want her to do, so suddenly??
I thank you for sharing your thoughts, good and bad. I am taken back, quite a bit, at what you have written about this PERSON you have only known for a few weeks.
Please prayerfully reconsider your expectations and your intentions. She is a child. Not a thing that if it doesn't work you can send it back.
I know you aren't saying for certain you want to disrupt, but it's just a but stunning to me and others that you would even consider it so soon... because it TAKES TIME.
It takes time for a child to know they are safe and for them to bond. A month or two, you aren't necessarily going to see it. It could take years. Whether or not this is your first adoption is irrelevant. I wonder if you properly prepared for a damaged child.
I wish you the best and I wish the best for Linzi.
I hope to read her redemption song in a year, and for your tattoo to find new meaning to you and to her.
As a Mom of two children with Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder (amongst other things), I was shaking my head thinking of our younger years and our time now as I read so much of your description of Linzi. I am NOT diagnosing her, but I am saying your Mommy gut is something to be listened to. There is so much help out there for our kiddos. Sensory therapy is a very helpful tool for kids with sensory issues (whether on the Autism spectrum or not, you can have SPD without Autism). I would suggest finding a qualified occupational therapist who is sensory certified (yes, there is a difference between and OT and an OT that uses sensory integration therapy). They treat the symptoms, not the labels. So, a diagnosis isn't necessary since it seems any true diagnosis would be a time away simply because of a language barrier right now.
Having my sons, my biological sons, I know how hard those days are and we don't have to throw in things like a language difference (I won't say barrier as we do have language issues strong enough to make it a barrier in our home due to Autism.), culture difference, history of orphanage life, and more. My children have been in therapy for years and, while we have come such a long way, they still have such a long way to go.
I just found your blog not long ago and this is my first time posting. But reading this just touched my heart and made me want to respond as we seem to have similar children.
I wanted to stop by and give you some encouragement. First off--if your child has autism/developmental disabilities, it is not the end of the world. I have a 13 year old with autism and she is the joy of my life. There is a lot of hope out there for kids with autism. Secondly--all parents have conflicting feelings about their kids. My oldest daughter was a horrible baby, difficult toddler, and now hair raising teenager. When you become a parent by birth you get what you get--there is no sending them away when they don't come out the way you'd hoped, or are diagnosed with an illness/learning disorder/developmental disability. You do what you're supposed to do--love them anyway. Some of the greatest lessons I have ever learned in life came through humbling lessons learned through my children. Having a child with a disability teaches you to look at your children in a completely different way--not as extensions of yourself, of how you took them and molded them into whatever you wanted, but rather how you learned about unconditional love, compassion, and gratitude. These are lessons that I never would have learned had I not had the opportunity to raise my "special" child.
Having a child with a disability, while heartwrenching, can be one of life's greatest gifts. Never is the human experience more raw and fulfilling than when dealing with the "less sanitary" side of life.
Give your new daughter a chance. I promise you the lessons she will teach you and her sisters, the love she will give you, the utter JOY you will feel when she reaches those milestones, are gifts you will forever cherish. She is a blessing in your life---don't waste it.
Hi I saw you post on our blog about Cav. I would love to email with you mine is ctmy at comcast dot net Anyhow, I was thinking of you today and I really bet your new little one has many of the sensory issues Cav did. We are currently looking into getting him in with an OT for the sensory issues but also I am making a weighted blanket for bedtime and a pressure (neoprene) vest for the day in hopes to help him regulate better. ANyhow, I thought of Linzi and thought how it would have been so much more beneficial than those early days.
And although I only skimmed the comments (cuz todays jsut a bad day for Cav.) let me tell ANY doubting thomas that this is worse than you could ever imagine until you are in it. Yes the rewards are there but so are the possibility of damage to the other children and your marriage and friendships. THis is NOT an inability to cope, for heaven's sake they have adopted before - they know how to do this. It is about having the kid you hate the very most from your child's school and moving them, BUT also having your hands tied in the discipline area because you don't speak the same language.
Hugs and continued prayers
I have a feeling you're more upset about the comments by the anonymous posters because they speak the truth, not because of who said them. Besides, in the context of a public blog, when did the identity of the speaker become necessary to evaluating his or her comments? Just admit that the real reason you're peeved is that the truth hurts. And both Anon. and a few others on here have stated it to you.
When I had my first child (biological, sorry, no returns possible!) I was ready to give up for EIGHT months. But I didn't. I chose to conceive and carry that child and I *would* make it through the difficult times, and I *did.*
You can do it, too. Give everyone some time, especially yourself. You are stronger than you think. Be gentle and patient with Linzi. She needs you. Bond to her before expecting her to bond with you.
And honey, if you're not "planning" to disrupt, for heaven's sake don't "think" about disrupting! All actions begin as thoughts!
~Tabitha
P.S. I just read your angry bolded section added at the end of the post. This isn't a case of nasty people judging those they don't know. Every properly educated adult knows it isn't 1. polite manners to discuss such intimate family matters publicly in the first place, and 2. that it takes a shockingly low character to even consider (or in your case, "think") about disrupting an adoption. It doesn't matter if said adults know you personally or not. And if it's so important that only people who know you comment on your blog, make it private visible to invited readers only. Problem solved.
Isn't that crazy how an honest heart-felt blog post can bring out the haters? It's so easy to be a hater when people haven't walked in your shoes.
You are in our thoughts and prayers...Hang in there, and know that there are those of us who get it, and support you.
Hugs!
I stumbled upon your blog and your beautiful family. Our youngest three joined us as toddlers from Korea, and the Littlest had some fairly scary-seeming delays, a complete inability to play, and almost zero language at three years old, when we adopted him through disruption. He presented like an autistic, delayed one-year-old. What he was, was a shell-shocked little guy who disassociated whenever he was frightened, had no clue what was happening in his little life, and who needed, for the first time, to feel like someone's baby. We had to go way back to babyhood with him, doing things you'd do with a much younger child, and alter our expectations accordingly. It might help you, if you think of your newest little girl as whatever age she is presenting at right now. I know it is scary; I needed many phone calls and emails with other adoptive parents to see me through the first half-year of difficulties and tantrums. But oh, what a part of our family he is now at 9, and how grateful I am. I wanted to write you an email, but didn't see a link - feel free to connect via my blog if you'd like encouragement or a listening ear.
Christie, having met you and your beautiful family, even for a short time, it is obvious to me that you have a generous heart. Please don't let the negative Nancy commenters get you down. Perhaps they haven't been reading your blog long enough to know that Tessa was a major challenge for you as far as bonding for quite some time and you had the stamina, love, & determination to fight through it. It is apparent that your challenges with Linzi are on a whole different level. You & Mark and all of your girls are in my prayers.
I'm the mother of a beautiful, sweet 8-year-old little girl who has global developmental delays. Things haven't always been easy but she is amazing in her own ways.
What really bothers me is how you seem to allow your kids to call her crazy and stupid .. That is painful for me to hear as the mother of a special needs child. In my house everyone is equal and my other daughter is taught empathy for her sibling's needs, as well as an acceptance that everyone is different and has different abilities. I love my daughter for the gifts that she does have.
I hope you don't resort to dissolution as your family committed to loving this child for the rest of her life. I also hope you come to look at her as an equal instead if a burden. Who wants to go through life being regarded as a burden?? A lot of these special needs kids can understand a whole lot more than they're able to communicate.
I hope you give her a chance or maybe the right thing IS to get her a home where she is loved and cherished as a viable member of the family.
I don't understand this obsessive collecting of children from foreign countries. It doesnt strike me as "family building", but something all together different and more malign. In any event, you go to the well too many times and it's bound to go sour, inevitably. I wish all the best for the children you've accrued, especially this newest treasure.
Wow. I am so disappointed at the persistence of sour people to be sour, especially around the holidays. Exhibit A of our society's quickness to judge without all of the facts.
Christie,
Hang in there! For all the anonymous poster - I know Christie personally and have for many years. In her posts, she is expressing frustration, concerns, feelings, her innermost thoughts - not threatening to put her daughter out on the street. Every parent has had thoughts flit through their mind about not being able to handle the current trials of parenthood, not having enough in the mommy well to cover all the kids needs, etc. That certainly doesn't meet we are horrible parents or want to be rid of our children. It means we are tired and overwhelemed and find comfort in sharing with others who have gone through the similar situations. Christie - you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry you are going through these trials (compounded by thoughtless, mean-spirited people). HANG IN THERE! Vonna
Hang in there. Make sure you take plenty of time for YOUmand to regroup. I agree that her behaviors sound a lot like autism, OR sensory processing disorder. Can you have her assessed in depth by a psychotherapist/assessment technician or child psychologist? Insurance should pay. They look at behaviors more than asking them questions, so she should be ok to do that. Let me say this loud and clear. Without a doubt, autistic children are a great blessing. I would personally have her tested so you know what you're dealing with. I would not blame you in the end if you choose to disrupt. Please contact me if you do, or if you have any questions about the process.
I have been meaning to reply since first reading your post as I have been where you are. I do understand how hard it is, and how heart broken and over whelming it can be to have a child with needs that are hard to mange and even harder to manage when they are impacting your other kids and when the child has needs that are not at all what your were expecting.
First you need to grive, for the child you had hoped for, its hard to have a child who is challenging behavior wise and difficult to know even where to start with. Then I suggest get going on resources and networking with others in a similer situation. You are not alone and there is a whole other world of other parents out there in similer situations to you. Its not a world you planned on entering, but its one you now belong to.
At her school report to them what you have found out from the Chinese speaking nueroglogist and have them start to evaluate her. She needs testing that will quailfy her for an IEP (got the Wrights law web site http://www.wrightslaw.com/) Having the school start to assess her will help her to begin to get the services that she needs to make progress, and also help you to start to understand how best to help her. Get your pediatrican to make referals for further exams and evaluations.
Keep things very structured for her. Draw out a visual schedule foe what will be happening each day so she knows what to expect. There is a lot to learn and it can feel overwhelming, but you will get there. Feel free to email me or I would be happy to talk with you about my son who came home with a lower IQ caused by brain dmamage that was not his special need and totaly unexpected. I'm also a medical social worker so that has helped, but its still a lot to learn and the more suppport you can get the better. Lots of hugs to you.
It is common for children who have grown up in orphanages to display autistic behaviours, although or course it could be that Linzi has got autism. Regardless, I think you are lucky that Linzi does cuddle some of you. I have a 10-year-old son with autism and one of the sadness with his condition is that he has never given me a cuddle (and will wriggle if I try to cuddle him). The other behaviours I can cope more easily with and yet others (like how eccentric he is) I love.
Looking at your blog it does not seem like you are disrupting anytime soon, although I find puzzling that you had Linzi's name tattoed even before you met her and yet you still describe yourself in your blog as 'living life to the full with my FIVE girls' and display a family photo where Linzi is not included.
I worry that you may not have accepted her in your heart yet. I sincerely hope that you wait to see how much Linzi really has to offer, she will surprise you believe me. Love and hope, from another mother
PS Apologies for the anonymous posting, I really haven't got the time to register :)
Post a Comment